HordFest X - 2004
HordFest 2004 Election Year Trivia
- This is the fourth time there has been a HordFest in a presidential election year – Democrats hold a 2 to 1 lead in those elections, although it should be noted that the 1996 election was uncontested.
- Neither of the major party nominees plans to attend this year’s HordFest, despite the fact that a HordFest attendee has never lost a presidential election. Event organizers maintain that the presidential candidates are skipping HordFest only because Texas is not considered a “battleground” state.
- After being spurned by the Bush and Kerry camps, HordFest officials have announced Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth – the controversial, self-proclaimed diva from NBC’s smash-hit reality show “The Apprentice” – as the festival’s 2004 celebrity Grand Marshall. Manigault-Stallworth will kick off this year’s festivities by being ceremonially gurgitated in a galvanized tub of saltwater then boiled alive in an 80-quart pot of HordFest’s award-winning crawfish roux.
- A recent Gallup poll indicates that none of the U.S.’s estimated 392 million adult crawfish is expected to vote for George Bush in November’s general election, a significant turnaround from the 538-vote margin Bush enjoyed among crawfish write-in voters in Broward County, Florida in 2000.
- White House officials privately blame Bush’s loss of support among freshwater crustaceans on his failure to support the group’s pet legislation – the Crawfish Management, Enhancement and Better Opportunity for Income Legislation (CMEBOIL). Crawfish organization officials instead attribute the turnaround to Bush’s “arrogant smirk” and his inability to articulate a grammatically correct sentence without a Teleprompter.
- The last of John Kerry’s three Purple Hearts in Vietnam was awarded for a deep gash the young lieutenant suffered on his right nostril, which he attributed to shrapnel from enemy fire. The injury occurred as LTJG Kerry led his troops on a March 1969 combat operation launched to eliminate a group of Vietcong “snipe” reported to be in the area by platoon member PFC Beauregard “Catfish” Laborde. While no enemy casualties were ever confirmed (in fact, the actual existence of these “snipe” guerrillas was later questioned by the NRA, Ducks Unlimited and several southern hunters groups), military officials deemed the operation a success based on Kerry’s reports that no further sightings of enemy snipe were made in the Dong Cung Canal area after the attack. Kerry’s heroic leadership of that operation earned him a Silver Star, based on the investigation and recommendation of Chief Staff Officer Richard “Dick” Clarke.
- After a 1982 Boston Globe story raised questions about the circumstances surrounding Kerry’s nose injury and resulting Purple Heart, Kerry acknowledged the “possibility” that his injuries may have had “some relation” to a practical joke played on him by PFC Laborde during the spontaneous celebration/crawfish boil that erupted among Kerry’s troops after their successful engagement with the Vietcong snipe. Former platoon members privately admitted to the Globe that they saw Kerry – at Laborde’s suggestion – trying to “suck head” on a live, pincer-snapping crawfish immediately prior his injury.
- Navy doctors treating Vietnam-era soldiers in the aftermath of severe pincer attacks often reported a series of strange emotional and physical symptoms among victims, including chronic fits of indecision, the tendency to recall non-existent war atrocities, an inexplicable fascination with the movie “Klute,” and a gradual elongation of the victim’s facial structure that doctors described as creating the appearance of “Frenchness.”
Note: We regret to report that legendary crawfisherman, raconteur and HordFest favorite Saddam Hussein, whose groundbreaking and oft-emulated “catch them mudbugs where they live” harvesting technique ultimately led to his capture, will miss Crawfish X due to an unexpected conflict. Even worse, popular sous-chef and potato cannoneer Mistah Coltayuh will also miss the festivities.
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HordFest IX - 2003
CRAWFISH IX
For those who've been receiving these invitations since 1992, you may have come to expect some occasionally humorous (and other times less so) party banter and invitation smack. This year, I'm out of time and am going to have to resort to the Creative Crutch of the Aging and Unimaginative -- a "retrospective" of excerpts from past invitations. You may be familiar with this syndrome of recycled creativity if you've ever seen Mike Love in a tattered Hawaiian shirt prancing around the stage of the Shoney's Inn Lounge in Mobile, Alabama, singing an embarrassingly off-key version of "Barbara Ann" and backed by the other hideous remnants of the Beach Boys.
So, much like this party's perennial catch of the day, I invite you to "back-pedal vigorously" through HordFest invitations past and read some testimonials, literary references, celebrity quotes and a random music lyric from our party archives.
HORDFEST INVITATION RETROSPECTIVE -- 1992 to 2003
Crawfish VI (2000) -- References to Crawfish in Opening Passages of Great Literary Works:
“It was the best of boils, it was the worst of boils, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had steaming-hot, boiled crawfish spread out on a large table covered with butcher paper before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way – in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.” - C.D.
Crawfish III (1997) -- Celebrity Comments about Crawfish Boils:
"I just love to eat the tails. Put them in front of me, and I take care of them lickety-split!" -- Ellen Degeneres
Crawfish I (1992) -- Justifications for boiling the Louisiana Crawfish alive (#1):
A Louisiana crawfish was seen sharing a cigarette with Mrs. O'Leary's cow in Chicago, Illinois in the early morning hours of October 4, 1871.
Crawfish IV (1998) -- "Foreword" to invitation:
"So it shall be written, so it shall be done. One day a great Darkness shall descend upon the Earth and a Wicked, Hoary Man with Two Heads and many Tongues shall exercise Dominion over the mightiest of the Earth's Peoples. In the Fifth Year of his tawdry Reign, sackfuls of lowly, yet oddly Mirthful, brackish-water Crustaceans will Rise up and Smite the Righteous and Not-So-Righteous equally. Beware of these devious Creatures, lest you be caught in the Pincers of their Diabolical Plan of world Domination, et cetera, et cetera." -- Yul Brynner, as Nostraramses in the ill-conceived 1965 Broadway flop, "The Ten Prognosticators and I."
Crawfish I (1992) -- Justifications for boiling the Louisiana Crawfish alive (#2):
Numerous eyewitnesses reported seeing a Louisiana crawfish "backpedalling vigorously" across the grassy knoll at approximately 12:41 p.m. on November 22, 1963 in Dealey Plaza, Dallas, Texas.
Crawfish V (1999) -- "Foreword" to invitation:
"No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the Continent, a part of the maine; if Clod bee washed away by the Sea, Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne were; any mans death dimishes me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know for whom the crawfishe boiles; It boiles for thee." -- John Donne
Crawfish VII (2001) -- Tribute to the Clinton Presidency -- Celebrity Testimonial:
"This tribute to Bill is well-deserved. He came into the Office of the Presidency in a way unlike any other, with an intimate concern for women and a true passion for creating positions for them in his White House. He has consistently wielded a forceful hand in breaking down doors for countless American women and providing them the tools they need to face the stiff challenges that are so often thrust upon them. He brought the nation's economic recovery to a climax with his well-timed stimulus package, while at the same time addressing some prickly personnel issues head-on. While his legacy may have been stained somewhat by the Lewinsky affair, I am confident that future generations of women will continue to be touched by his achievements.” -- Barbra Streisand
* * *
CRAWFISH IX
a.k.a. “HordFest 2003”
9th Annual Crawfish Boil/Lake Bash
Weekend of June 6-8
(Crawfish will boil the afternoon of Saturday, June 7 – Saturday events start at 1 P.M.)
at
The Marble Falls “Hordhouse” -- 1120 Pecan Drive , Marble Falls , Texas , ph: 830.693.3242
Featuring: The usual array of crawfish, volleyball, horseshoes, water skiing, boathouse-style cliff diving, and guitar picking, not to mention an eye-popping array of lakeside revelry, tomfoolery and sophomoric hijinks.
Key Information:
1. Keg beer will be provided.
2. Everyone is welcome at any time (or at all times) during the period beginning Thursday night and ending Monday night. If past practice holds, probably 10-20 people will show up Friday night, an additional 70-100 will show up Saturday afternoon, and maybe 5 stragglers will show up Sunday. Crawfish, etc. will be served at approximately 5:00 pm on Saturday, June 7, although I reserve the right to run late. Make sure you arrive by 5:00 or 6:00 if you want to be certain that you don’t end up picking through cold potatoes and corn for your Cajun food fix.
3. We have room for 10-15 at the house if you aren’t picky -- first come, first served. Let me know if you want to informally reserve a space. If that doesn’t appeal to you, there are four hotels in town: Best Western (ph: 830.693.5122), Hill Country Motel (ph: 830.693.3637), Hampton Inn on the Lake (www.lodginghost.com/hampton-inn-marble-falls/; ph:830.798.1895), and Ramada Limited (830.693.7531). ROOMS FILL UP EARLY THIS TIME OF YEAR SO CALL SOON! Let me know if you have any problems getting a room – I’m going to reserve a few just in case.
4. What you can bring:
-- Your friends, spouse, date, children of any age, potato cannons, convenience-store teeth, any hard liquor or extravagant beer or other beverage you might want to drink.
-- I’ll supply the beer, plus the crawfish, potatoes, sausage and corn from the boil (and random burger and hot dog fixings) for Saturday. Please bring anything other than that you may want. A gas grill is available.
-- A boat, waverunner, etc. We have one boat, but another couple boats wouldn’t hurt because there is always a lot of demand for rides. There is a launch just a couple hundred yards down the street.
-- Any musical instrument you are willing to play late night (11pm or later). Nobody ever takes me up on this – however, my “act” is getting stale and old so I’m sure we’ll all welcome anything you want to try on a drunken crowd predisposed to liking anything you throw at them. Also, any accompanying instrument or noisemaker is welcome as long as you have some semblance of rhythm, e.g., a harmonica, guitar, tambourine, spoons, juice harp, washboard, Scratchifier, bagpipes, etc. (Vesper – we need you there!).
-- Bona fide, published examples of the use of the word “smackificación” – exclamatory uses preferred.
-- Anything, or anyone, named Cecil – real or imaginary.
5. Things you can’t bring: Dogs/cats (but see the Cecil exception stated above).
6. WARNING: Jay Johnson Alert: Like the lemmings who follow their clueless brethren to drown in the sea, or the toothless Dixie hag who stays with her NASCAR cap-wearing husband (“3”) even though he beats her senseless every time he comes across a bottle of Evan Williams (“But he loves me!”), I once again believe Jay Johnson when he says he will attend Crawfish IX, even though he stood us all up last year. Accordingly, he is receiving the “honor” of this special mention, although this typically does the same thing to prospective attendees that an SI cover does to a Heisman hopeful. Nevertheless, as I said last year, if you don’t know Jay, and IF he attends the party, you will understand why this paragraph starts with the word “WARNING.”
R.S.V.P. Ph: 972.788.1369; email: mark.hord@communitycredit.org.
P.S. I’ll dispense with the excuses and speechifying that I put into last year’s invitation and just say the following to those more organized than I: Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
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HordFest VIII - 2002
Sent via email
Greetings everyone:
The fact that you are getting this email means one of several things:
(1) you've attended this party or been to my lake house in the past, or
(2) you haven't attended the party or been to my lake house in the past, but have expressed an interest in doing so, or
(3) you've never been to the party or my lake house nor have you ever expressed an interest in doing so, but I'm under the delusion that you're a friend of mine so I'm going to leave you on the list until one of us dies (and maybe even after that if you're the first one to drop), or
(4) you work with me and I either like you or I'm just trying to maintain good co-worker relations (your guess), or
(5) we met once many years ago at an event that neither of us remembers, and you committed the grave error of owning up to the fact that you either swim, ski, drink, eat, like the sun, or have been to either Louisiana or Central Texas, and you compounded that error by giving me your contact info, and now despite several protestations -- both written, verbal and virtual -- and a formal request on your part to the Attorney General of Texas that you be put on the "No Call" list (sorry, it doesn't apply to party invitations), not to mention the fact that by now you don't even remember who I am, I keep inviting you to this infernal party and will keep on doing so until you finally capitulate and attend, after which you will at least know what the heck you've been avoiding all these years.
Anyway, now that we've established why this particularly obnoxious piece of spam has made its way to your computer, and since we've all gotten Cinco de Mayo behind us, it's time for me to announce that you are cordially invited to:
CRAWFISH VIII -- Mark Hord's Annual Crawfish Boil/Lake Party in glorious Marble Falls, Texas!
Those one or two hundred or so of you who have attended the event before know that it will occur at the usual time -- two weekends after Memorial Day -- which this year means the weekend of June 7-9.
Attached below is a copy of the actual invitation with even MORE information, including directions, more mindless rantings, jabs at those who have "distinguished themselves" at this event in the past, etc. [I bet you thought that THIS was the invitation, didn't you? No, it's not, and I'll tell you why. You see, I like typing. I like typing a lot. And the only thing I like more than typing is to make people READ what I type -- or at least do my best to achieve that end. In fact, that's why I became a lawyer. Oh, I bet you thought I became a lawyer because I didn't know what else to do with my life, or because I wanted to make lots of money doing something that literally sucks all the life and imagination out of you (assuming any of us had any to start with, which many nascent lawyers don't), or because I liked "L.A. Law" and wanted to represent men who think they are chickens or slinky divorcees (or soon to be divorcees) who think cocky men with thinning blond hair are handsome. No, that's not it. It was all about the typing. Anyway, given that I am someone who likes to type and likes to oppress others with the typed word, what better time -- what better venue! -- could I possibly have to both type a lot AND make people read what I type than when I'm offering people something that they might actually be interested in enough to labor through this very boring, unimaginatively fonted (is that a word?) email?]
So, assuming you made it through all that and are still with me, here's the invitation. I'm tired of typing now. I hope you can make it. Let me know if you have any questions or need further information.
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HordFest VII - 2001
Newt, Jim and Mark are Throwing a Party!
CRAWFISH VII
Mark Hord’s Annual Crawfish Boil/Lake Party
Featuring a stunning display of potato cannonitude by Colter Harris.
Rain or shine, the party goes on!
First held in 1992, Crawfish (a.k.a. "HordFest") has closely followed the ups and downs of the all-too-short Clinton Administration. With this the first post-Clinton bash, Crawfish VII is being dedicated to Bill Clinton and his innumerable conquests while in office. In honor of this occasion, we’ve solicited comments on Crawfish VII from some special guests who were in the public eye during the golden era some are already referring to as "The Second Coming of Scamelot."
“This gig will definitely be worth crashing.” – JFK, Jr.
“It’s going to be a real blast!” – Timothy McVeigh
“Always a smashing good time!” – Diana Spencer
"This tribute to Bill is well-deserved. He came into the Office of the Presidency in a way unlike any other before him, with an intimate concern for women and a true passion for creating positions for them in his White House. He has consistently wielded a forceful hand in breaking down doors for countless American women and providing them the tools they need to face the stiff challenges that are so often thrust upon them. He brought the nation's economic recovery to a climax with his well-timed stimulus package, while at the same time addressing some prickly personnel issues head-on. While his legacy may have been stained somewhat by the Lewinsky affair, I am confident that future generations of women will continue to be touched by his achievements.” -- Barbra Streisand
“You won’t have to put a gun to my head to get me to attend!” – Vince Foster
* * *
Other party info
Keg beer will be provided. Kids and friends are welcome! If you have a ski boat you can bring, PLEASE DO SO, especially if you hope to do a lot of skiing! There's a boat launch 150 yards from the house. A grill is available so if you want to eat something other than crawfish, or for any meals other than Saturday evening, feel free to bring grill fixins and help yourself. We had 80-plus turn out last year despite a pretty hard rain Saturday afternoon, so with some decent weather I'm hoping for 100 this year. You are welcome at anytime starting Thursday night until late Sunday afternoon.
Sorry -- No dogs, cats, handguns or old family films.
Hampton Inn (on the lake, close to house, newest hotel in town) -- 830.798.1895; Best Western -- 830.693.5122, Hill Country Motel -- 830.693.3637; Ramada Limited -- 830.693.7531. If they say they're full the first time you call, call back a day or so later because they seem to change their mind by the day! Email me if you have ongoing problems.
If you need better directions than those appearing on the View a Map link on this invitation, or if you need to reach me directly, you can email me at markhord@excite.com or call 214.350.8485.
THE LAKEHOUSE PHONE NUMBER IS 830.693.3242. I'LL BE THERE FROM WEDNESDAY NIGHT ON.
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HordFest VI - 2000
CRAWFISH VI
presents
“Persons attempting to find a crawfish in this boil will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a potato in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a corncob in it will be shot.”
- M.T.
“At the first boil I ever went to I expected to be horrified and perhaps sickened by what I had been told would happen to the Crawfish.”
- E.H.
“He gazed up at the enormous face. Forty years it had taken him to learn what kind of smile was hidden beneath the dark pincers. O cruel, needless misunderstanding! Two gin-scented tears trickled down the sides of his nose. But it was all right, everything was all right, the struggle was finished. He had won the victory over himself. He loved Big Crawfish.”
- G.O.
“It was the best of boils, it was the worst of boils, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had steaming-hot, boiled crawfish spread out on a large table covered with butcher paper before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way – in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.”
- C.D.
“Now small crawfish backpedaled screaming under the yet yawning gulf; a sullen white surf beat against its steep sides; then all collapsed, and the great shroud of the sea rolled on as it rolled five thousand years ago.”
- H.M.
“And so we backpedaled on, crawfish against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.”
- F.S.F.
“A few miles south of Soledad , the Salinas River drops in close to the hillside bank and runs deep and green. (And it’s chock full o’ crawfish).”
- J.S.
“He was an old man who fished alone in a skiff in the Gulf Stream and he had gone eighty-four days now without taking a crawfish.”
- E.H.
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Featuring: Crawfish, volleyball, horseshoes, water skiing, boathouse-style cliff diving, Olympic-caliber synchronized swimming, guitar picking and an eye-popping extravaganza of lakeside revelry, tomfoolery and sophomoric hijinks.
Key Information:
1. Beer? Yes, lots of it.
2. I will be at the house beginning late Thursday evening until early Monday evening. Everyone is welcome at any time (or at all times) during that four-day period. If past practice holds, probably 10-15 people will show up Friday night, another 50-60 will show up Saturday afternoon, and maybe 5 stragglers will show up Sunday. Crawfish, etc. served approximately 6:00 pm on Saturday, June 10.
3. Come out for a day (I suggest Saturday if you can only make one day) or spend the weekend. Formal sleeping space is limited to about 10 persons (first come, first served) but there’s other room to crash on the floor, etc. There’s room for everyone if you aren’t picky – if you’ve ever spent the night in a bus station or on the open deck of a ship in the Adriatic , this will be a cakewalk. If that doesn’t appeal to you, there are four hotels and a B&B in town: Best Western (ph: 830.693.5122), Hill Country Motel (ph: 830.693.3637), Ramada Limited (830.693.7531), Liberty Hall Guest Haus Bed and Breakfast (www.marblefallstexas.com/liberty.htm, 1.800.232.4469) and the new Hampton Inn on the Lake (www.lodginghost.com/hampton-inn-marble-falls/; ph:830.798.1895). ROOMS FILL UP EARLY THIS TIME OF YEAR SO CALL SOON! Let me know if you have any problems getting a room – I’m going to reserve a few just in case.
4. What you can bring:
-- Cecils.
-- Your friends, spouse, date, children, potato cannons.
-- I’m supplying the beer for the weekend, plus the crawfish, potatoes and corn from the boil on late Saturday afternoon. If you want anything other than that to eat or drink, you should bring it – e.g., grill fixins, chips, sodas and/or whatever else. A gas grill is available.
-- A boat – we have one, but another couple boats wouldn’t hurt because there is always a lot of demand for rides. There is a launch just a couple hundred yards down the street.
-- Any musical instrument you are willing to play in public in front of a very drunk, undemanding crowd, such as a harmonica, guitar, tambourine, spoons, juice harp, washboard, concert violin, bagpipes, etc.
5. Things/people you can’t bring:
-- Dogs, cats, Marisleysis Gonzalez
6. God willing, if the cows come home and the creek don’t rise, Colter Harris will be there with his formal Sunday-go-to-meetin’ teeth.
7. Late night drinking games will be officiated by Kevin Broz, a.k.a. “The Diplomat.”
R.S.V.P. Ph: 214.350.8485; email: markhord@excite.com.
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HordFest V - 1999
No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the Continent, a part of the maine; if Clod bee washed away by the Sea, Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne were; any mans death dimishes me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know for whom the crawfishe boiles; It boiles for thee.
-- John Donne
Featuring: Crawfish eatin’, beer drinkin’, volleyball playin’, horseshoe pitchin’, waterskiin’, swimmin’, potato cannon shootin’ (let’s see if “Screwcap” Johnny can torch another hole in the new deck carpet), poor quality singin’ and guitar pickin’, and an unending parade of revelry, tomfoolery and sophomoric hijinks.
Key Information:
1. I will be at the house beginning late Thursday evening until Sunday evening. Everyone is welcome at any time (or at all times) during that three-day period. If past practice holds, probably 10-15 people will show up Friday night, another 40-60 will show up Saturday afternoon, and maybe 5 stragglers will show up Sunday
2. Beer will be provided.
3. Come out for a day (I suggest Saturday if you can only make one day) or spend the weekend. Formal sleeping space is limited to about 10 persons, but there’s plenty of room on the floor, in hammocks, or anywhere else on my property you may wish to crash. There’s room for everyone if you aren’t picky. If this doesn’t appeal to you, there are three hotels in town: Best Western (ph: 830-693-5122), Hill Country Motel (ph: 830-693-3637) and Comfort Inn (830-693-7531). CALL NOW! ROOMS FILL UP EARLY THIS TIME OF YEAR! Let me know if you have any problems getting a room – I’m going to reserve a few just in case.
4. Things you can bring:
-- Lawn chairs
-- Grill fixins, chips, sodas and/or whatever else you might want to eat or drink other than the crawfish, potatoes, corn and beer I’ll be cooking for the meal late Saturday afternoon. A gas grill is available.
-- A boat – we have one, but another wouldn’t hurt because there is always a lot of demand for rides. There is a launch just a couple hundred yards down the street.
-- A spouse, date, children or friend(s).
R.S.V.P. Ph: (214)350-8485; email: mhord@communitycredit.org. Who am I kidding? If there’s one thing we all know, it’s that there aren’t 25% of you who will do this. Maybe it’s because this is a French phrase, maybe it’s because it’s just flat un-American to even ask this of people. So why do I ask? Well, it looks classy, for one, and as those of you who have attended this fine event in the past know, H.O.R.D. Fest exudes class. Plus, I’ll at least get some idea of how many to expect (give or take 50%). If you don’t respond, COME ANYWAY! It’s never stopped anyone before!
COME ON DOWN! FREE BEER FOR THE FIRST 250 PEOPLE TO ARRIVE!
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HordFest IV - 1998
"SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN, SO IT SHALL BE DONE. ONE DAY A GREAT DARKNESS SHALL DESCEND UPON THE EARTH AND A WICKED, HOARY MAN WITH TWO HEADS AND MANY TONGUES SHALL EXERCISE DOMINION OVER THE MIGHTIEST OF THE EARTH'S PEOPLES. IN THE FIFTH YEAR OF HIS TAWDRY REIN, SACKFULS OF LOWLY YET ODDLY-MIRTHFUL BRACKISH-WATER CRUSTACEANS WILL RISE UP AND SMITE THE RIGHTEOUS AND NO-SO-RIGHTEOUS EQUALLY. BEWARE OF THESE DEVIOUS CREATURES, LEST YOU BE CAUGHT IN THE PINCERS OF THEIR DIABOLICAL PLAN OF WORLD DOMINATION, ET CETERA, ET CETERA."
-- YUL BRYNNER, IN THE ROLE OF NOSTRARAMSES, KING OF SIAM, DURING 1965'S THREE-WEEK RUN OF THE ILL-CONCEIVED, YET EERILY PROPHETIC, OFF-BROADWAY FLOP "THE TEN PROGNOSTICATORS AND I."
- "WE BETTER GET OUR LICKS IN ON THE LITTLE TURNCOAT(S) WHILE WE STILL CAN." *
- Attempts at water skiing.
- Darn ugly games of volleyball.
- Competitive beer-drinking.
- Non-competitive horseshoes.
- Crawfish eating (we will begin serving the crawfish sometime around 6:00 or 7:00 p.m. on Saturday).
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* Ellen Degeneres, as quoted by Variety magazine, fearing violence from her pet crawfish Har-Poon upon hearing of Nostraramses' prediction (Note: Less reliable sources attribute this quote to a conversation between Ms. Degeneres and k.d. lang after Degeneres was informed of Anne Heche's rumored affair with a male co-star)
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HordFest III - 1997
"I just love to eat the tails. Put them in front of me, and I take care of them lickety-split!
- Ellen Degeneres
"The thing I like about those events is that there's always a lot more tail there than I can handle. And that's sayin' somethin'!"
- Bill Clinton
"I like my tail soaked in alcohol then submerged in about six feet of fresh water for 12 to 14 hours."
- Ted Kennedy
"My only problem is that I'm pretty sure I like the taste of the females better than the males, but I have a really hard time telling the difference between the two."
- Eddie Murphy
"I don't care what sex they are."
- Dennis Rodman
"She had the face of an angel, smiling with sin, and the body of Venus with arms."
- Bon Scott, AC/DC, "Touch Too Much" (1979)*
______________________________________
* This has nothing to do with crawfish boils, I just like it.
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Featuring
- Water skiing, volleyball, beer-drinking (an event dominated by John Seibert and Jerald Kopp in prior incarnations of this party), horseshoes, crawfish-eating. The crawfish will boil sometime around 6:00 or 7:00 on Saturday.
- A much-anticipated encore performance of Elaine Cesare's hit song-and-dance number from Crawfish II -- "Gerald Hord for Governor"
- Hell's Angels/Antamount-style security at the crawfish feeding table provided by Frank Bayouth (he also serves process).
- For the family-minded couple, a raffle will be held in which the winning prize will be one night in the "Ellisor Fertility Chamber."
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HordFest II - 1996
Activities: Water skiing, fishing (bring your own pole, etc.), volleyball, sunbathing, beer drinking, horseshoes and whatever else you can think of, subject to applicable law and some of the basic standards of morality and decency expected in a Western society.
The crawfish will boil sometime around 5:00 or 6:00 p.m. on Saturday, give or take a half day.
R.S.V.P. At least try to let me know by June 1 if you are coming so I can get a reasonable estimate of how much crawfish to buy. My home phone is 214.350-8485 (I have an answering machine so you won't even have to talk to me if you don't want to). By the way, if you see any "CRAWFISH I" alumni who haven't received an invitation, tell them about the party.
1. I'll be arriving Friday afternoon. You are welcome anytime thereafter.
2. Keg beer will be provided, but don't trust the brand label on it. As before, keg beer availability will by necessity be subject to your ability to shove Jerald Kopp and John Seibert out of the way.
3. Come out for the day or stay over at the house. Please be aware that I am "furniture impaired" so if you want to pursue this option you need to bring just about everything you are going to need short of a tent (the stakes leave marks on the floor anyway!). This option is subject to availability, so be sure to call now -- telephone lines are open! If you call too late, or if Unabomber-quality accommodations don't appeal to you, there are two hotels in town, whose numbers are as far as I know the following (if the number doesn't work, call information): Hill Country Motel - 210-693-3637; Comfort Inn - 210-693-7531,
4. Things you can bring:
lawn chairs
grill fixins, chips, Cokes and/or whatever else you want to eat for your meals other than the crawfish boil -- a gas grill is available.
a ski boat -- we have one, but another wouldn't hurt (there is a launch just down the street).
a spouse, date or friend(s) (or, for the Mormans, Muslims and Lammies, your spouses, dates or friends). Children are also okay expect for those who want to stay at the house -- you probably won't want them there anyway.
5. Things you can't bring:
Your dog (with the exception of my brother, who now bears an unfortunate resemblance to a crawfish, and whose dog is grandfathered in based on prior agreement).
__________________________________
HordFest I - 1992
- Louisiana crawfish supported the British in the Revolutionary War.
-Will Rogers did not like Louisiana crawfish.
- A Louisiana crawfish was seen furtively sharing a cigarette with Mrs. O'Leary's cow in Chicago, Illinois on the evening of October 4, 1871.
- Liberace was, and Reverend Al Sharpton is, a Louisiana crawfish.
- Numerous eyewitnesses reported seeing a Louisiana crawfish "backpedalling vigorously" across the grassy knoll at approximately 12:41 p.m. on November 22, 1963 in Dealey Plaza, Dallas, Texas. Interesting fact: The Louisiana crawfish is the only creature known to mankind with which no member of the Kennedy family has ever slept (although Ted Kennedy thought Mary Jo Kopechne was a Louisiana crawfish).
- Jackie Smith was photographed in a hot tub with a Louisiana crawfish with known mob connections the night before Super Bowl XIII.
“He was an old man who fished alone in a skiff in the Gulf Stream and he had gone eighty-four days now without taking a crawfish.”
- E.H.
_____________________________
CRAWFISH VI
Mark Hord’s Sixth “I’ve-Done-This-Enough-Times-In-a-Row-Now-
That-I-Can-Call-It-Annual” Crawfish Boil/Lake Party
Weekend of June 9-11
1120 Pecan Drive , Marble Falls , Texas – ph: 830.693.3242
Featuring: Crawfish, volleyball, horseshoes, water skiing, boathouse-style cliff diving, Olympic-caliber synchronized swimming, guitar picking and an eye-popping extravaganza of lakeside revelry, tomfoolery and sophomoric hijinks.
Key Information:
1. Beer? Yes, lots of it.
2. I will be at the house beginning late Thursday evening until early Monday evening. Everyone is welcome at any time (or at all times) during that four-day period. If past practice holds, probably 10-15 people will show up Friday night, another 50-60 will show up Saturday afternoon, and maybe 5 stragglers will show up Sunday. Crawfish, etc. served approximately 6:00 pm on Saturday, June 10.
3. Come out for a day (I suggest Saturday if you can only make one day) or spend the weekend. Formal sleeping space is limited to about 10 persons (first come, first served) but there’s other room to crash on the floor, etc. There’s room for everyone if you aren’t picky – if you’ve ever spent the night in a bus station or on the open deck of a ship in the Adriatic , this will be a cakewalk. If that doesn’t appeal to you, there are four hotels and a B&B in town: Best Western (ph: 830.693.5122), Hill Country Motel (ph: 830.693.3637), Ramada Limited (830.693.7531), Liberty Hall Guest Haus Bed and Breakfast (www.marblefallstexas.com/liberty.htm, 1.800.232.4469) and the new Hampton Inn on the Lake (www.lodginghost.com/hampton-inn-marble-falls/; ph:830.798.1895). ROOMS FILL UP EARLY THIS TIME OF YEAR SO CALL SOON! Let me know if you have any problems getting a room – I’m going to reserve a few just in case.
4. What you can bring:
-- Cecils.
-- Your friends, spouse, date, children, potato cannons.
-- I’m supplying the beer for the weekend, plus the crawfish, potatoes and corn from the boil on late Saturday afternoon. If you want anything other than that to eat or drink, you should bring it – e.g., grill fixins, chips, sodas and/or whatever else. A gas grill is available.
-- A boat – we have one, but another couple boats wouldn’t hurt because there is always a lot of demand for rides. There is a launch just a couple hundred yards down the street.
-- Any musical instrument you are willing to play in public in front of a very drunk, undemanding crowd, such as a harmonica, guitar, tambourine, spoons, juice harp, washboard, concert violin, bagpipes, etc.
5. Things/people you can’t bring:
-- Dogs, cats, Marisleysis Gonzalez
6. God willing, if the cows come home and the creek don’t rise, Colter Harris will be there with his formal Sunday-go-to-meetin’ teeth.
7. Late night drinking games will be officiated by Kevin Broz, a.k.a. “The Diplomat.”
R.S.V.P. Ph: 214.350.8485; email: markhord@excite.com.
_____________________________
HordFest V - 1999
No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the Continent, a part of the maine; if Clod bee washed away by the Sea, Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne were; any mans death dimishes me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know for whom the crawfishe boiles; It boiles for thee.
-- John Donne
HORDFEST V
Mark Hord’s Fifth Pretty-Much Annual Lake Party
Weekend of June 11-13
1120 Pecan Drive , Marble Falls , Texas – ph (830)-693-3242
Crawfish, etc. served approximately 6:00 pm on Saturday, June 12
Featuring: Crawfish eatin’, beer drinkin’, volleyball playin’, horseshoe pitchin’, waterskiin’, swimmin’, potato cannon shootin’ (let’s see if “Screwcap” Johnny can torch another hole in the new deck carpet), poor quality singin’ and guitar pickin’, and an unending parade of revelry, tomfoolery and sophomoric hijinks.
Key Information:
1. I will be at the house beginning late Thursday evening until Sunday evening. Everyone is welcome at any time (or at all times) during that three-day period. If past practice holds, probably 10-15 people will show up Friday night, another 40-60 will show up Saturday afternoon, and maybe 5 stragglers will show up Sunday
2. Beer will be provided.
3. Come out for a day (I suggest Saturday if you can only make one day) or spend the weekend. Formal sleeping space is limited to about 10 persons, but there’s plenty of room on the floor, in hammocks, or anywhere else on my property you may wish to crash. There’s room for everyone if you aren’t picky. If this doesn’t appeal to you, there are three hotels in town: Best Western (ph: 830-693-5122), Hill Country Motel (ph: 830-693-3637) and Comfort Inn (830-693-7531). CALL NOW! ROOMS FILL UP EARLY THIS TIME OF YEAR! Let me know if you have any problems getting a room – I’m going to reserve a few just in case.
4. Things you can bring:
-- Lawn chairs
-- Grill fixins, chips, sodas and/or whatever else you might want to eat or drink other than the crawfish, potatoes, corn and beer I’ll be cooking for the meal late Saturday afternoon. A gas grill is available.
-- A boat – we have one, but another wouldn’t hurt because there is always a lot of demand for rides. There is a launch just a couple hundred yards down the street.
-- A spouse, date, children or friend(s).
R.S.V.P. Ph: (214)350-8485; email: mhord@communitycredit.org. Who am I kidding? If there’s one thing we all know, it’s that there aren’t 25% of you who will do this. Maybe it’s because this is a French phrase, maybe it’s because it’s just flat un-American to even ask this of people. So why do I ask? Well, it looks classy, for one, and as those of you who have attended this fine event in the past know, H.O.R.D. Fest exudes class. Plus, I’ll at least get some idea of how many to expect (give or take 50%). If you don’t respond, COME ANYWAY! It’s never stopped anyone before!
COME ON DOWN! FREE BEER FOR THE FIRST 250 PEOPLE TO ARRIVE!
______________________________
HordFest IV - 1998
CRAWFISH IV
"SO IT SHALL BE WRITTEN, SO IT SHALL BE DONE. ONE DAY A GREAT DARKNESS SHALL DESCEND UPON THE EARTH AND A WICKED, HOARY MAN WITH TWO HEADS AND MANY TONGUES SHALL EXERCISE DOMINION OVER THE MIGHTIEST OF THE EARTH'S PEOPLES. IN THE FIFTH YEAR OF HIS TAWDRY REIN, SACKFULS OF LOWLY YET ODDLY-MIRTHFUL BRACKISH-WATER CRUSTACEANS WILL RISE UP AND SMITE THE RIGHTEOUS AND NO-SO-RIGHTEOUS EQUALLY. BEWARE OF THESE DEVIOUS CREATURES, LEST YOU BE CAUGHT IN THE PINCERS OF THEIR DIABOLICAL PLAN OF WORLD DOMINATION, ET CETERA, ET CETERA."
-- YUL BRYNNER, IN THE ROLE OF NOSTRARAMSES, KING OF SIAM, DURING 1965'S THREE-WEEK RUN OF THE ILL-CONCEIVED, YET EERILY PROPHETIC, OFF-BROADWAY FLOP "THE TEN PROGNOSTICATORS AND I."
- "WE BETTER GET OUR LICKS IN ON THE LITTLE TURNCOAT(S) WHILE WE STILL CAN." *
CRAWFISH IV
MARK HORD'S PRETTY CLOSE TO ANNUAL LAKE PARTY
"Come for a glorious weekend of splendor and pageantry"
Weekend of June 5 - 7
at
1120 Pecan Drive, Marble Falls, Texas
FEATURING
- Attempts at water skiing.
- Darn ugly games of volleyball.
- Competitive beer-drinking.
- Non-competitive horseshoes.
- Crawfish eating (we will begin serving the crawfish sometime around 6:00 or 7:00 p.m. on Saturday).
_______________________________
* Ellen Degeneres, as quoted by Variety magazine, fearing violence from her pet crawfish Har-Poon upon hearing of Nostraramses' prediction (Note: Less reliable sources attribute this quote to a conversation between Ms. Degeneres and k.d. lang after Degeneres was informed of Anne Heche's rumored affair with a male co-star)
_____________________________
HordFest III - 1997
CELEBRITY COMMENTS ABOUT CRAWFISH BOILS
"I just love to eat the tails. Put them in front of me, and I take care of them lickety-split!
- Ellen Degeneres
"The thing I like about those events is that there's always a lot more tail there than I can handle. And that's sayin' somethin'!"
- Bill Clinton
"I like my tail soaked in alcohol then submerged in about six feet of fresh water for 12 to 14 hours."
- Ted Kennedy
"My only problem is that I'm pretty sure I like the taste of the females better than the males, but I have a really hard time telling the difference between the two."
- Eddie Murphy
"I don't care what sex they are."
- Dennis Rodman
"She had the face of an angel, smiling with sin, and the body of Venus with arms."
- Bon Scott, AC/DC, "Touch Too Much" (1979)*
______________________________________
* This has nothing to do with crawfish boils, I just like it.
_____________________________
You are cordially invited
to
H.O.R.D. FEST 1997
(also known as CRAWFISH III)
Mark Hord's sort of annual lake party
Weekend of June 6 - 8
at
1120 Pecan Drive, Marble Falls, Texas
Featuring
- Water skiing, volleyball, beer-drinking (an event dominated by John Seibert and Jerald Kopp in prior incarnations of this party), horseshoes, crawfish-eating. The crawfish will boil sometime around 6:00 or 7:00 on Saturday.
- A much-anticipated encore performance of Elaine Cesare's hit song-and-dance number from Crawfish II -- "Gerald Hord for Governor"
- Hell's Angels/Antamount-style security at the crawfish feeding table provided by Frank Bayouth (he also serves process).
- For the family-minded couple, a raffle will be held in which the winning prize will be one night in the "Ellisor Fertility Chamber."
______________________________
HordFest II - 1996
CRAWFISH II
MARK HORD'S QUADRENNIAL LAKE BASH
Weekend of June 7 - 9
at
1120 Pecan Drive, Marble Falls, Texas
Lakehouse phone: 210-693-3242
The crawfish will boil sometime around 5:00 or 6:00 p.m. on Saturday, give or take a half day.
R.S.V.P. At least try to let me know by June 1 if you are coming so I can get a reasonable estimate of how much crawfish to buy. My home phone is 214.350-8485 (I have an answering machine so you won't even have to talk to me if you don't want to). By the way, if you see any "CRAWFISH I" alumni who haven't received an invitation, tell them about the party.
1. I'll be arriving Friday afternoon. You are welcome anytime thereafter.
2. Keg beer will be provided, but don't trust the brand label on it. As before, keg beer availability will by necessity be subject to your ability to shove Jerald Kopp and John Seibert out of the way.
3. Come out for the day or stay over at the house. Please be aware that I am "furniture impaired" so if you want to pursue this option you need to bring just about everything you are going to need short of a tent (the stakes leave marks on the floor anyway!). This option is subject to availability, so be sure to call now -- telephone lines are open! If you call too late, or if Unabomber-quality accommodations don't appeal to you, there are two hotels in town, whose numbers are as far as I know the following (if the number doesn't work, call information): Hill Country Motel - 210-693-3637; Comfort Inn - 210-693-7531,
4. Things you can bring:
lawn chairs
grill fixins, chips, Cokes and/or whatever else you want to eat for your meals other than the crawfish boil -- a gas grill is available.
a ski boat -- we have one, but another wouldn't hurt (there is a launch just down the street).
a spouse, date or friend(s) (or, for the Mormans, Muslims and Lammies, your spouses, dates or friends). Children are also okay expect for those who want to stay at the house -- you probably won't want them there anyway.
5. Things you can't bring:
Your dog (with the exception of my brother, who now bears an unfortunate resemblance to a crawfish, and whose dog is grandfathered in based on prior agreement).
__________________________________
HordFest I - 1992
JUSTIFICATIONS FOR BOILING THE LOUISIANA CRAWFISH ALIVE
- Louisiana crawfish supported the British in the Revolutionary War.
-Will Rogers did not like Louisiana crawfish.
- A Louisiana crawfish was seen furtively sharing a cigarette with Mrs. O'Leary's cow in Chicago, Illinois on the evening of October 4, 1871.
- Liberace was, and Reverend Al Sharpton is, a Louisiana crawfish.
- Numerous eyewitnesses reported seeing a Louisiana crawfish "backpedalling vigorously" across the grassy knoll at approximately 12:41 p.m. on November 22, 1963 in Dealey Plaza, Dallas, Texas. Interesting fact: The Louisiana crawfish is the only creature known to mankind with which no member of the Kennedy family has ever slept (although Ted Kennedy thought Mary Jo Kopechne was a Louisiana crawfish).
- Jackie Smith was photographed in a hot tub with a Louisiana crawfish with known mob connections the night before Super Bowl XIII.
- Louisiana crawfish believe the left lane of interstate highways is reserved for those driving at just below the legal speed limit.
AND SO, IT IS WITHOUT REMORSE THAT YOU MAY ATTEND THE FOLLOWING FUNCTION:
Come see, hear and taste hundreds of Louisiana crawfish being soundly taunted, boiled alive in succulent stewed juices in an enormous steaming cauldron, thrown onto a paper-covered tabletop, and finally torn apart by ravenous drunkards.
AND SO, IT IS WITHOUT REMORSE THAT YOU MAY ATTEND THE FOLLOWING FUNCTION:
* * *
The Marble Falls Crawfish Holocaust Lake Party Weekend
Weekend of June 5-7
Over the River and Through the Woods at Grandfather Hord's Lake House
1120 Pecan Drive, Marble Falls, Texas
Come see, hear and taste hundreds of Louisiana crawfish being soundly taunted, boiled alive in succulent stewed juices in an enormous steaming cauldron, thrown onto a paper-covered tabletop, and finally torn apart by ravenous drunkards.
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